Confessions of an Amazon

I should have done this months ago. 

Most men (70%) have no idea what to do to get a woman off. Seriously I wish I were fucking kidding, when it comes to cunnilingus they are dumb asses. These are tips and not hard fast rules, so don’t be a fuck face.

• Always ask your lady friend 

Make a point to talk about your sex life if you are dating. Things you like, don’t like, what things you would like to try. It’s important to keep that line of communication open otherwise your relationship suffers for it. 

• Use Google

I swear to fucking god if I have to tell another man to go lower or head north I will loose my mind. If you don’t know where the clit is, go Google that shit. Turn your SafeSearch off and look up “vagina”. They will draw you a picture, literally, the confusion will be over. 

• Go watch lesi’s do it

I hate to break it to you guys, but lesbians will always be better at oral sex than you. Good news, you can learn from them. Go to which ever site you go to and watch lesbian porn. It’s almost guaranteed that they will go down on each other and then the camera will zoom in to show you what they’re doing. I know it will be difficult for you to watch it and refrain from giving yourself a handy j, just resist the urge as long as possible. 

• Apply pressure

Self explanatory I know. Applying enough pressure to lick ice cream off a cone I’d say is the best pressure. Applying enough pressure to lick razor blades off the floor wrong pressure. Enough pressure to enjoy a delicious snow cone, right pressure. Enough pressure to enjoy a poop covered boot, wrong pressure. Are you getting it now? Good. 

• What are you doing with your hands?! 

Now that you’ve watched porn you must think you’re a porn star? Ready to fuck two chicks at once while learning Mandarin and Cisco Networking? Calm down buddy. It’s helpful while you’re eating her out to use your other hand for good and not evil. If you want to give her a screaming back arching orgasm then listen closely scouts. Instead of just stabbing her holes with your pointer and middle finger try placing them in a) the come hither position, palm side up or b) making a ‘U’ motion on the bottom half of her vaginal walls applying pressure to the bottom region. Doing Part B will make her feel full and make what ever your doing to her clit extra magical.

• Switch it up

Varying speeds is great for cars and head. Just like you vary the strokes when you’re giving yourself some good self lovinz, she likes it to. Slowing down your licks or waiting 3 seconds between each one will have her running up the walls. 

• Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive 

Don’t be a baby-back-bitch put your face in there. If your chin is dry when it’s all said and done, you did something wrong my friend. Nom nom on that shit like it’s the last ice cream cone on earth and you are the lucky bastard who gets to eat it. 

• Pay attention

Not all women will like it the same way so you’re going to have to multi-task. I know this is “hard” for men to do because of some hormonal balance blah blah blah. You can do it, quit being bitches. If you see her lying there like a limp dick, then you are not doing it right. Prop a pillow under her head, it will help you see what her face is doing. Some women tend to be quiet so the pillow helps so you can get a better read. Moans obviously mean good things, but learn how to read her moans. Some moans mean you need to stop or some moans mean keep fucking going, they are usually accompanied by body movement. When she starts to orgasm, don’t stop. Keep going all the way through the orgasm and instruct her to breathe because chances are she is holding her breath. Doing this will intensify her orgasm by about 50%. When her body looks like an extra on CSI Miami then it is time to stop and get yourself a towel and your lady friend a cool drink. 

• Pre-game

Foreplay is so so so so so fucking important I can not stress it enough. She better be wet before you even get down there. Seriously. 
Make her feel like a goddess, worship her body. Kiss her everywhere, lick through her panties, lightly trace her body with your finger tips, bow down and exalt.  

{I hope this helped, trust me I’m an expert. Not only have I had good head, I’ve given women some pretty great orgasms}

Now you know and knowing is half the battle!

-Amazon