I wish we had more control over our dreams, just when you think something has left your plain of thinking it comes up and fucks you. That’s right it fucks you so hard you wake up wet and bruised. Last night my subconscious decided to romance me and take me on a trip I was not prepared to take. It felt so real, I could smell and taste and feel so much so I woke up angry. I was pissed. How dare my mind take me on this “what if” journey I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t ready for it to happen, I wasn’t ready to see it. This must be what Ebenezer Scrooge felt like when he woke up on Christmas day, except I’m not some Christmas hating asshole and I don’t have the jovial energy to run down the streets in my jammies screaming about my hangover epiphany.
There I was long beautiful thick red hair floating through the summer air, for some reason I had this stupid smile on my face like I’ve never had an ounce of stress in my life. I had a glass of white wine in my hand as I plopped down on a rather cushiony piece of back yard furniture. I could feel the cold metal of the chair in my free hand and heard the thought run across my mind “I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” Every bit of it felt like a dream, the way I looked, the way “my home” looked, “I don’t live here”, I thought “Why does this wine taste so good?” No wine should ever taste as good as the wine I was drinking, the glass felt weightless in my hand but I didn’t feel as though I was in danger of dropping it. It also never seemed to change levels the more I sipped the more it stayed the same. I couldn’t really tell where I was either. Was I in America? Is it Spring time? How old am I? I had to stop asking myself questions they weren’t important, I have a bad habit of questioning the moment instead of living in it. I sat outside and watched a sunset on pause for what felt like hours. I sat my everlasting wine glass down on a table that seemed to appear out of nowhere. I wanted to explore the new land behind me, what was behind me? As I turned around the sun immediately set and I could see the glowing lights of an A-frame home. It looked as though it was in the distance but each step I took made the impact of 50 and I reached the home in less than 30 seconds. Someone had a table set for two and food laid out across the massive dinning set. This had to be a dream I wasn’t awake, it was impossible, but I could smell the food. A roast with potatoes, rolls with butter, Cobb salad and apple pie and ice cream. The ice cream wasn’t melting, I didn’t know how that was even possible. I put my finger on the roast it was still warm, perfect temperature to eat. I figured since I was alone I might as well eat, as the thought crossed my mind I blinked and there I was seated with a plate of food in front of me. I looked around to see if some unseen hand sat me down and prepared my plate but no one was there. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to will myself to wake up, I opened my eyes and my untouched plate of food was starring me in the face. I guess my dream wants me to eat, fine I’ll indulge. I’m sure the food taste good, I have no doubt. The roast was probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted and knew it wasn’t real but I couldn’t stop eating. After a certain point you expect to be full, you wait to be full and the feeling never came. The roast kept reappearing the same way the wine did and I felt this wash of insanity come over me. I shut my eyes again tightly and rocked back and forth, I was going to wake myself up, and I was going to make myself disappear from this place. I couldn’t do it. I’m staring down at my plate and it seems like no one has ever touched it. “Pass the salt”, I looked up from my plate and looked down the table. Who was at the table with me? I usually have to focus on long distances but I could see him clear as day. What was he doing here? Now I knew it was a dream. He smiled at me brightly, I didn’t know if I should pass him the salt, I didn’t even know where the salt was, as the thought of where the salt was left my mind he thanked me and shook white crystals on his plate. I didn’t want to communicate with him, he was at least 15 feet away, and I could finish my fake meal and eventually wake up. I blinked my eyes and the table seemed to shrink in length and he suddenly was so close he could touch my hand. I kept my eyes down at the plate, it wasn’t real, giving in to what was happening was only going to be upsetting. He reached out for my hand and I could feel the warmth of his palm, it didn’t feel like a dream anymore, his thumb rubbed the inside of my wrist. “Are you alright? I’ve missed you.” I couldn’t look at him, he was too kind and his voice sounded too sweet. “Baby what’s wrong? The roast is perfect, thank you for making dinner.” He took my hand and kissed the top of it, “it’ll be alright”. I didn’t want to look him in the eye, if I could hold out a little longer the ride would be over. I looked down at my hand and his hand was still there, maybe he wasn’t looking at me anymore. I decided to take a glance up because I could always look back down, as I looked up the table disappeared and we were sitting on an oversized couch. His eyes seemed more clear than normal, I couldn’t stop looking into them as if to find something. I just saw my own reflection and the light from the room we were in. He moved myself closer to me and I fell for it and slide closer. “You look so beautiful in this light, well you look so beautiful all the time” he laughed to himself as if he were shy, “I’m so glad I get to wake up every day next to you” his hand grazed the side of my cheek, “Let’s go look through the sky light and count stars” I felt as if I was paralyzed, I closed my eyes tightly and tried to wake up again as I shook my head. “What are you doing? Is there something in your eyes?” I shook my head again and tried not to look at him, silence was my best option. “I want to look at your face, don’t hide it from me.” I glanced up at him again, it was a dream after all I can steal glances, right? “God, you’re so beautiful.” I couldn’t take it anymore, how could he speak to me that way, how could he be what I needed right now, how could he be here? “That’s enough, I can’t listen to you talk to me like that.” He gazed up at me with sad eyes, it was genuine sadness. “Look I’m sorry, I just know that none of this is real. Any minute now I’m going to wake up and I won’t remember any of it” He kept his stare locked on me for a moment then he spoke again “I know it’s hard to believe sometimes that someone can love you this much, but I do. I don’t care if you gain weight or lose a limb or decide to climb mountains in African and never come back I will keep loving you. I want to share everything with you. Don’t say it’s not real, please, I love you and I don’t know any other way I could ever love another human the way that I love you.” The words hit me so hard I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, “I love you too.” Dream or not you don’t ignore that kind of declaration. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on my collarbone, it didn’t feel like a dream it felt like I was messing up reality. I finally relaxed my shoulders and leaned in, I wanted to kiss him, and I missed kissing him. As I leaned in, I felt his arms wrap around me like a warm blanket and his soft lips touched mine. As I finally let go and closed my eyes I felt my body flee backward into the sky leaving his arms, I was sailing so fast upward I didn’t even have a chance to process. I flew until nothing was recognizable anymore and I woke up. I woke with such force I couldn’t hold back any emotion. I turned around in the bed to make sure I was alone, I was. I looked at the floor, all of it belonged to me. I was alone, it wasn’t real. None of it was fucking real. I punched the pillow next to me in rage and then I proceeded to punch them in repetition and scream. Why the fuck did I let myself feel that? Why? I knew the whole time it was fake and I still managed to do it. My own brain tricked me, but why? I didn’t need to feel that again, I didn’t need to cope, I didn’t need to have some “what if” made up scenario to keep for my own. I didn’t need any of it. Thank you brain for bringing up old feelings, I needed that. This manifestation of every man I ever loved was looking me in the eye and telling me I was loved. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. It wasn’t wonderful it was painful, a painful reminder that I’m alone and every man I’ve ever loved has hurt me or not love me back. The dream really came at the wrong time, if it were maybe 6 months ago I might have been alright. It’s just too damn much right now, too damn much.